Finally, I Know
by SVUFanatic611
Summary: I never expected that call. There’s nothing I could have done to prepare myself for that call, let alone the news that awaited on the other line. Kathleen Stabler finally realizes something after a personal tradegy occurs.


Title: _Finally, I Know_

Author: SVUFanatic611

Rating: PG

A/n: One shot fic. Tell me what you think. I know it's a little long, but I didn't want to make it into a multi-chapter fic. Hope it's okay! Constructive criticism is always welcome! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: SVU and its associated characters are not mine.

---  
_Kathleen Stabler's POV_

I never expected that call. There's nothing I could have done to prepare myself for that call, let alone the news that awaited on the other line.

Honestly, I never thought it would happen. Part of me didn't want to believe that it was even a possibility. It was something I had talked about with my parents, but, looking back now, I guess I never really, fully accepted it. It was something I knew and acknowledged, but had put in the back of my mind.

Being the daughter of a cop isn't easy. It's not just the fact my dad was even more protective than a normal parent would be, but I found myself exposed to so much more than kids my age were used to. My father being who he was, I knew a lot about things that wouldn't even cross my friends' minds. Rapes, incest, murder…death in general, were just a few examples.

And on top of this, I had to deal with the fact that my father wasn't around a lot. My father's job was full of sleepless, endless nights. But, one thing he never knew was that every night in which he wouldn't come home before ten o' clock, I would go to sleep wondering if the next time I saw my father, it would be in a hospital bed or even a morgue.

Like I said, I never expected that call. Olivia Benson made that call. Looking back, there was something right about that news coming from her. She was my dad's partner and confidant for so long…and for the past four months, she was my dad's wife, and my legal stepmother. Eight months after the divorce, her and my father had started dating. It was after dating for about six months and after being engaged for about a year that the marriage took place. She had moved into the Stabler house and became part of the family.

I guess I should change what I said before. Olivia _Stabler_ made that call.

I liked Olivia. I really did. But I guess part of me never really _loved_ her, never really accepted her. Sure, I accepted that fact that she and my father had gotten married. I accepted the fact that she was a part of my father's life. But, I never fully accepted her as part of _my_ life, _my_ family.

Maybe it was more respect than it was love. I really did respect Olivia. She was everything, career wise, what I wanted to be. She was strong, independent, and yet, still had compassion for the victims. _I _wanted to be strong, independent, and yet through it all, I wanted to remain understanding and compassionate with the people that needed it most. She seemed like the perfect role model for me…until she became my stepmother.

Things changed after she and my dad got married.

Sure, after they had gotten together, my father was happier…much happier. Whenever he was with Olivia, his face would light up and he would become the world's greatest dad. He was never stressed when he was with Olivia. No case was ever on his mind when he was with her. Deep down, I was jealous that I couldn't do that. I was jealous that I didn't have that kind of effect on my father.

I was green with envy.

But I never let anyone know that. I always kept it well hidden. When my father sat me and my siblings down and asked if it was okay if he asked Olivia to marry him, I kept my true feelings hidden. Maybe I was holding onto that childish hope that my mother and father would work everything out and would get back to together. My brother and sisters were so excited for my dad, but I found myself just putting on my Barbie smile and feigning happiness. That's what I hated the most: the fact that I was never truly honest with my father.

When I got that call from Olivia, my world came crashing down…even if part of it was created on lies and secret, pent-up feelings. She called at 1:47am. My father had been shot in the line of duty and was now in critical condition at Bellevue Hospital. She asked me if I could drive myself and the twins down to the hospital. Maureen had been called and was on her way as well. I sat up in my bed in shock for a good three minutes.

This couldn't have been happening. Not my father.

But there was no time to question what had happened. It _had_ happened, no matter how much I didn't want to believe it, and I needed to spend the last hours of my father's life with him. He _needed_ to spend it with his children. Olivia hadn't mentioned that my dad might die, but something told me that he wouldn't be coming home.

I got up, put on a pair of long jeans and a t-shirt that my dad had given to me and I cried while doing it. I wiped my tears before going into Liz's room. My sister had this quality that made her cry if she saw anyone else crying. She didn't have to know the reason why they were crying. Maybe that's why she could empathize with anyone. I opened her door, turned on her light, woke her out of a deep sleep, and told her to get some clothes on. We had somewhere to go. I did the same thing with Dickie. They didn't ask too many questions. They knew I was serious and I wasn't screwing around.

But they did ask me one question over and over. Liz and Dickie wanted to know where we were going and why I disturbed them from their 'beauty sleep', as Liz called it. No matter how many times they insisted that I tell them, I couldn't get myself to say it. I would just say, "Just get dressed. I'll tell you in the car." I figured I was postponing the inevitable and that they would begin the third degree in the car, but I was just holding on the hope that if I put it off until the hospital, Olivia would have the burden of telling them.

Part of me knew that they had a right to know and that it wasn't fair to them that they didn't. But something kept telling me that they knew what was going on. They were both intelligent young teenagers who had a good head on their shoulders. They weren't woken up in the middle of the night often and they knew the risks of their father being a cop. They knew it and so did I. I just never expected that they would be better equipped to deal with it.

I piled them into the car and drove to the hospital. Of course, I was asked the question that never seemed to go away. I don't know what made me answer. Maybe it was Dad – Dad's very spirit moving within me. Or, maybe it was a subconscious reaction for helping Olivia so she didn't have to tell them.

I was hoping that it was my father's spirit.

They're reaction was like mine – shock. We rode in silence and after an interminable ride, we finally reached the hospital. We ran in and found Captain Cragen sitting outside a door with Munch and Fin. I walked up to him, without saying anything. My eyes said it all. So did Liz and Dickie's. They all stood at our presence and Cragen proceeded to tell us that there was an accident and that my father had been shot. Munch and Fin remained silent as Cragen told his story.

I didn't want to know details…I didn't need to hear them and neither did Liz or Dickie. I interrupted him gently and asked him where my father was. He understood, motioned to the door and mentioned that Olivia and Maureen were already there. I walked in and found Olivia sitting over the bed holding my father's limp hand. Maureen was sitting on the windowsill with a blank stare on her face and then my eyes fell upon my father. He was in a hospital bed hooked up to an umpteen number of tubes and machines. I hated seeing my father like that. He was at his weakest.

Maureen and Olivia stood as we walked in and we took each other into embraces. I hugged Olivia reluctantly, but my resistance didn't show. I had been hiding that very feeling for about two years. I had gotten very good at it.

We sat down in our own spots and quietly watched my father breathe. I know each of us were silently saying our good-byes to him. At least, that's what I was doing. I was apologizing for all the times I had broken his trust, or stayed out past curfew, or ever told him I hated him, or…I apologized most for not being a woman of integrity with my father. I never told him how I felt about Olivia. I was never truly honest with him. And, the sad part was that that's all he ever wanted from me…the truth. That's all he ever asked of me.

And I had failed him.

I didn't have too much time to my thoughts when a doctor walked in. She said that she needed time with my father. Only one person could be with her. We silently voted Olivia and my siblings and I walked out and took our seats among Cragen, Munch, and Fin. Liz leaned against my shoulder as she sat down and I welcomed her. I took my arms around her and held her close. Maureen sat on the other side of me and we leaned our heads against each other. It was kind of symbolic. The Stabler girls leaning on each other for support…physically, emotionally, spiritually. Dickie sat between Munch and Cragen. We all sat in silence and waited to hear more on my father's condition.

---

Olivia came out at least an hour later, although it seemed like a year. Her eyes were red and irritated and the lines on her face where tears had been were still visible. She closed the door behind her and almost imperceptibly, shook her head. It was to signal that my father hadn't made it. The doctor came out, claimed that she did all she could have done, and offered her condolences. I sat in shock, still holding onto Liz until she wiggled out of my grasp and ran up to Olivia. Olivia took my sister into her arms, held her, and stroked her hair, assuring her that things were going to be okay. I wanted so much to believe it…

I wanted to believe it with every bone and muscle in my body, but I couldn't. Something inside of me held me back.

Maureen and I held onto each other, letting every emotion come out, and my brother's body went limp with shock and he fell apart into Munch's arms, crying. Cragen held back his emotions, as did Munch and Fin. Olivia cried while holding Liz. It was a very emotional night. It was a night that I will remember ever so vividly. Every night after that, I remembered that night and cried myself to sleep. That routine lasted for about two months.

My father's funeral was set for a week later. I remember getting dressed that morning. I wore a very simple black dress. It was my father's favorite on me. Probably because it covered me up very well and wasn't as flashy as some of the other outfits I had worn. I didn't wear any make-up that day. My father always told me that he loved me without make-up. Not wearing any that day was done in respect for him. It was a gift to him…in retribution for not being honest with him.

It was raining outside. It was like the heavens above and Mother Nature were crying for the loss of my father. Although a little wet, the service was actually a very nice, respectful one. It attracted a lot more cops that I thought it would have. It was that day that I realized how much of an influence my father had as a veteran detective. Every single cop was dressed up in their uniforms…except Olivia. We…well, Maureen, Liz, and Dickie…told her it would be more appropriate to dress like a Stabler family member, not an SVU family member. I had other opinions, but I kept them to myself. I still hadn't learned my lesson about telling the complete truth.

Olivia sat next to me during the service with my mother on the other side of her. She and my mother had actually decided upon my father's funeral arrangements together. They were pretty amicable during the whole thing, which surprised me. Maybe they had done it for the sake of my father. I'll never really know. Liz sat on the other side of me and Maureen on the other side of her. Dickie sat on the edge. I made a lot of realizations that day and one of them was the fact that my brother – the brother that used to play pranks on me and tease me and loved to torture his twin sister – was more of a man today. He sat in a nice suit and tie. He looked so grown-up to me. He looked like my father.

Cragen, Munch, and other cops gave insightful eulogies. I sat and listened to each one of them and, unlike my sisters, I didn't cry. I didn't know why. It was like the emotions weren't there. As much as I wanted them to be there, they just weren't. I think it was because I had accepted my father's death. Well, I physically and mentally accepted it, but my heart never really did.

After the burial, I asked Olivia if we could go home. It was the place I wanted to be the most. It was the place that held my father's presence. We invited my mom and we started on our way home. Before I left, Cragen pulled me aside and told me that if we needed anything, just call. I had heard that at least twenty times from relatives I hadn't seen in over seven years. But, I believed him the most. I believed that he would really be there for me and my family.

---

The months after my dad's funeral were tough. My mother and Olivia had come to an agreement with the custody issue. Olivia had asked my mom if she could still visit us. I don't know why she did that; we weren't legally hers. She didn't have to worry about us. I came to the conclusion later that we were the living legacy of my father. She wanted to hold onto that for as long as she could. Although just a little, I respected that.

According to the agreement, we were with Olivia on Sunday. Even though she wasn't Catholic, she got us up every Sunday morning and took us to Church. She didn't want us to lose that part of our life. Just because my father was dead, didn't mean our religion was either. I would get up, go to Mass, sing a few hymns, listen to the Gospel, receive Communion…but it didn't mean anything to me. There was a problem. The little faith Olivia thought I had, the little faith that she wanted me to hold onto, I had already lost.

My grades steadily decreased. I went from fifth in my class to somewhere in the 40's. I stopped hanging out with my real friends and my social life was out of control. I went to parties every weekend and tried things that I wouldn't have ever tried before. I drank at the parties and almost had a run-in with drugs. I quickly brought myself to reality and got out of the house. I remember going home that night. I didn't say anything to Olivia, but she knew exactly what was going on. _I_ was out of control.

Olivia tried all she could. I have to give her credit for that. She tried her very best to make me see the error of my ways. She constantly found herself talking to me about my curfew, my behavior, or my grades. I pretended to listen, but never really did. Her words never sunk in.

---

The sport of diving was always a real passion for me. During my freshman year, my friend would drive me home, but she had swim practice on Thursdays. I would go to the pool and wait for her to finish her laps. I never understood the sport of swimming. The constant back and forth motion of it all kind of had me dizzy at the end of watching her. But, while the swimmers were swimming, the divers were diving. I used to watch them with fascination, in awe. From the moment I saw it, I loved it. My sophomore year, I went out for the team and the coach said I was a positive addition. I was definitely one of the stars.

My dad was like my personal cheerleader. He loved that I took up diving. It was sport that my father became really interested in once I joined the team. He even set aside time to watch the diving portion of the Olympics with me. Surprisingly…and I'll never know how he did it…he made it to almost every single one of my diving meets.

Once my dad died, I lost interest in the sport. I stopped attending practices and was almost cut from the team. My coach made a call to home and Olivia answered. I regretted not getting to the phone before she did. He talked to her, and in turn, she talked to me. I told her that I didn't want to be part of the team anymore. She said that it was probably because of my father and that I shouldn't quit. I denied that it had anything to do with Dad, that I just lost interest. That's when she made a proposition. She asked me to stay on the team for two more months. After those two months, if I still wanted to quit, she wouldn't put up a fight.

I agreed. She did have a point. Maybe I wasn't interested because the one person who kept me motivated in that activity was gone. I agreed for the sake of my father.

I made it to every single practice. I loved being back on the board. It was like with every twist of a leg, every flip, every dive, my problems were gone. And as I dove into the water, the problems disintegrated into it. When I was up on the board, nothing clouded my mind. It was just me and the board. That's what I loved the most. The spotlight was on me when I was up there.

After one month of diving practice, my coach said that I needed to go to a diving meet in Albany. It was against one of the toughest schools in the state and, in order to progress into nationals, we needed to win. I was happy that he invited me. But, yet I was upset that my father wouldn't be able to come. I didn't know what made me do it, but I invited Olivia to come. She was happy to be asked and quickly agreed to come. Looking back, I'm happy I invited her. If I hadn't, I would've missed out on my father giving me the answers to the questions I had constantly asked myself.

Ever since they started dating, I kept asking myself, "Why did my father choose Olivia? Why did he marry her? Why did he love her?" I never got the answers to the questions…until the diving meet. Like I said, my father gave me these answers in his own special way.

When at the meet, I nailed my first two dives. Our school was down by three points, but my coach said that if I performed my next dive with perfection, we'd have the competition in the bag. Normally, that wouldn't be a problem, but I had only practiced the dive for two weeks. It was the highest degree of difficulty I had ever performed, and something always went wrong when I dove. I nodded my head to show him that I understood, but I was scared out of my mind. Then, someone told me that I had three minutes until I had to get on the board. I nodded, gave a weak smile at my coach, and made my way to the diving board. As I turned around, I ran into someone. It was Olivia. She was wearing a long pair of jeans and a nice blouse that my father had given her for her birthday. She looked amazing, even if it was in the most casual of clothes.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Olivia. My mind is somewhere else," I quickly apologized.

"Oh, hey, no problem," she said with a smile. She grabbed both my shoulders and looked me in the eye. "You're doing a great job. Those last two dives were incredible."

I smiled gently. I was happy she was having a good time and rooting for me. But, no matter how much she cheered, she wasn't my father. I softly replied, "Thanks."

"When's your next dive?"

"In two minutes, but I wouldn't expect too much. I'm not too good at the next one."

She slightly laughed. "I'm sure you're going to do fine. Just remember that if you win, you're getting a hug from you're family. If you don't…you're still getting a hug from your family."

I smiled at her. At that very moment, I felt a thousand times better. She put things into perspective for me. At that very moment, I saw my father in her. It sounded like something he'd say to one of his kids. "Thanks." Just then, my name was called over a speaker and I said to Olivia, "Well, that's my cue. I'll see you afterwards."

"Yeah…good luck. But, I'm sure you won't need it."

I hugged Olivia. Something inside made me hug her and thank her for everything. Maybe it was my father's soul within me. I smiled before I left and made my way up the ladder.

When I reached the board, I stood up straight and gazed over the crowd. I saw Olivia taking her seat in between Liz and Dickie. Maureen was on the other side of Liz and I saw someone that I'd never really expect. It was Captain Cragen. He was telling the truth when he said he'd be there for me. He and Olivia smiled huge smiles at me. I knew they were both wishing me luck. I gave a small smile without breaking my focus.

I took a deep breath, walked to the edge of the board, and wished for the best. I bent my knees and took the plunge.

It was pure perfection.

Everything went according to plan. Nothing was out of place and my landing was incredible. I plunged into the water and was later told that my smile was so big, anyone could see it underwater. I made my way to the surface and swam to the edge of the pool. I jumped out and my coach was the first to greet me. He took me into a hug and congratulated me. The entire team took me into a hug and lifted me up upon their shoulders. I then realized that there was someone else that had to be congratulated, to be thanked.

I jumped over the partition that was separating the crowd from the contenders. I didn't know if it was against the rules, but at that point, I didn't care. I ran up into the crowd and easily found Olivia. She stood and we hugged for what seemed like an eternity. I thanked her for everything. I was almost in tears. She said to me that she was so proud of me…and that my father was even prouder.

At that very moment, I finally knew. I finally understood. My questions were finally answered. I finally knew why he chose Olivia. I finally knew why he married her. I finally knew why he _loved_ her.

Finally, I knew.

---

After the meet, things got better between Olivia and myself. I finally accepted her as part of _my_ family. I finally _loved_ her as part of my life. I never told Olivia how I felt about her when she first started dating my dad, but I have a feeling she knows. She's a hell of a detective.

I still miss Dad. I miss him with all my heart and soul, but things are better. Things are much better.

But what means the most is that I know my answers to my questions. Finally, I know.

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a/n – well, what did you think? Let me know in review. They're always welcome! –Jessica-


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